So you want to be a Chef ?

You wanna cook? Play with knives and fire? Wear cool chili pepper pants, get some ink (you gotta have ink!) and have your way with the wait staff? Those guys on t.v. make it look real easy, don’t they? Well, here’s a little reality test to see if you are enough of a masochist to make it in the culinary world.

Here’s what you need:
1. a kitchen knife. Make sure it’s sharp. I’m showing some mercy here, a sharp knife doesn’t hurt as much.
2. a couple of lemons cut in half.
3. a curling iron. You might need an extension cord.
4. a gallon of water.
5 a nice hot sauna.
6. a soundtrack containing deafening background noise.

If you want to up the ante, try this test wearing those cool chili pepper pants, hat, and chef’s coat. And if you really want a reality check, take this test when you are painfully hung over.

Now here is what you do. Find a way to plug up the curling iron so that you can take it in the sauna with you. Turn it up on high. Close yourself up in the sauna. Crank up the background noise. You are going to stand, not sit, for the next 14 hours. During this time take the knife and give yourself a tiny cut on your hand. Barely break the surface, like a paper cut. Use the cut hand to squeeze the lemons. With the other hand, grab hold of the business end of the hot curling iron (as if it were a saute pan handle). Repeat this every hour. During your 14 hours be sure to drink all of your water. You want to stay hydrated. Thing is you can’t leave the sauna. That’s right. No potty breaks. Sucks to be you.

At the end of your 14 hour sauna “shift”, go (just as you are), and see how much luck your smelly, stinky, sweaty butt has with the ladies. It’s not pretty, people.

If you feel like this little test might be a piece of cake and that you could do it 6 nights a week, including every holiday, for the next 20+ years (for shit pay), and enjoy it; then a career in the culinary world may be right up your alley.

The fantasy:

The reality:


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